Anonymous asked: how do you know if you'd be good with some? i have serious commitment issues and i'm scared. help. i don't wanna get hurt
Dear Anon, what an excellent question. I’m 37 and I still get crushes all the damn time. They can be confusing as hell. Some of them are crushes you should pursue, and some of them are crushes you should keep to yourself. Telling the difference is an important life skill for any crush monster. There are some things you can do, that…well, it won’t make it easier, but it will give you some peace.
Sometimes a new crush is like a big plate of spaghetti and meatballs that you didn’t order. It just appears in front of you and you’re all — damn, where did this come from?? I did NOT expect this! All that pasta is all tangled up and shit! What the hell are the green bits in the meatballs, do I even like green bits? The sauce — anything could be in there!! This is scary YET I’M SO HUNGRY!
What you need to do is sit down, close your eyes, and take a deep breath. Smell the spaghetti. Pay attention to how it makes you feel. This is called listening to your gut, and it will serve you well in life. You can only get good at it with PRACTICE. So why not start now? Ask yourself some questions about your crush:
"Do I want to make out with this person?"
Gonna assume the answer is a big helllllllllll yesssssss. So far so good!
"Does this person share the same values I do?"
I’m not talking about — do we like the same anime? Or, do we agree about gun control? I’m not even talking about marriage and babies. I’m talking day to day stuff. How do you prefer to communicate — text, call, chat? How do you choose spend your time? How do you choose to show affection? That sort of thing.
This isn’t about right or wrong. It isn’t about judging your crush. But if you’re “right for each other” that means you’ll be spending a lot of time with each other, IRL or otherwise. How are you going to feel, being in the mix of this person’s life?
"Does this person make me feel good?"
When you’re with them, when you talk to them, when you think about them, do you feel — warm, valued, excited? Or do you feel — doubtful, anxious, melancholy? If it’s the latter — it is not the fault of your crush. This does not mean your crush is a bad person. It’s your gut telling you this is not a comfortable situation — for YOU.
"Do you feel lucky, punk?"
I’m gonna give you this one, Anon — the answer is YES!!! You feel HELLA lucky, youngblood! You might be saying: no no no I do not feel lucky AT ALL. But you need to stow that, you glorious warrior of love. Because so much of the beauty of life comes from taking chances. Take it from the guy who self-published a comic about bestiality. You make zero shots you don’t take, fortune favors the bold, etc etc. And this gem:
"The way it works is, you do the thing you’re scared shitless of, and you get the courage AFTER you do it, not before you do it."
George Clooney said that. And he’s right: that’s the way it works. If you doubt yourself, just remember there’s a comic book writer in California who believes in you and he’s got big hair and glasses.
NOTICE what I did not mention anywhere up there — FEAR. You’re scared. We’re all scared. None of us want to get hurt, but…we all do, eventually. Your fear will not save you from hurt. It will only BLOCK you from great things. Fear comes and fear goes. It’s like a fart that you let out while you’re smelling the spaghetti. If you judge the spaghetti based on your dark sewage fart…damn you are gonna miss out on a lot of great pasta!
And NOTICE how we’re framing these questions — on YOU being HONEST with YOUR FEELINGS. This has nothing to do with judgement or blame or criminalizing your crush. Their behavior is beyond your control anyway, so fuck it! Don’t even get wrapped up in that. Pay attention to yourself. Trust your instincts! This is called listening to your gut, and it will serve you well in life. There’s two things you need to do to get good at it:
- be real with yourself (honesty)
- own your emotions (responsibility)
I hope this helps you Anon. Think hard about those questions — if they come up YES, or even CLOSE ENOUGH TO YES, then go for it. Remember, you’re already 2 for 4! But if not…move on to the next crush. Trust me, when you get good at this, you’ll have five a day, and they will all be cute.
Please drop me a line and let me know how it works out. Your pal — Shumphries